Chapter 45 - THE CHOICE THAT WASN’T LAURA’S
Maisie turned thirteen before Corinne’s name became urgent again.
Teenagers transform slowly and then all at once. One day she needed me to sign field-trip forms. The next she informed me that my opinions on music had “historical value.” She became taller than Anna and nearly as sarcastic. She also started asking harder questions.
One evening she came into my office.
“I want to meet Corinne.”
Every cell in my body rejected the sentence.
I said nothing.
Maisie waited.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not enough.”
“I know.”
She sat down.
“I’ve read her letters. I saw her once. She’s been gone for years. She hasn’t tried to contact me. I want to know what it feels like to be in the same room.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s still bigger in my head than she is in real life.”
That answer frightened me because I understood it.
“Your therapist?”
“She thinks if I decide to do it, it should be supervised and planned.”
“You already discussed it with her.”
“Yes.”
“Before me.”
Maisie’s face hardened.
“I knew you’d make your fear the first part.”
Ouch.
I looked away.
“You’re right.”
She softened.
“I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“I’m not forgiving her.”
“I know.”
“I’m not asking her to be family.”
“I know.”
“Then what are you scared of?”
Everything.
That Corinne would manipulate her.
That Maisie would like her.
That Maisie would pity her.
That some ancient part of me would feel replaced by the woman who once tried to make my daughter stop calling for me.
I chose the ugliest truth.
“I’m scared you’ll see something in her worth caring about.”
Maisie stared.
Then said quietly:
“And if I do?”
I swallowed.
“You’re still my daughter.”
“That wasn’t the question.”
No.
It wasn’t.
“If you do, I’ll have to live with it.”
“Will you punish me?”
“No.”
“Be cold?”
“I’ll try not to.”
“Try?”
“I’m human.”
She almost smiled.
“That’s fair.”
The meeting required months of preparation.
Corinne lived in another state now with stable employment, continued supervision reduced but not eliminated, no violations. She agreed immediately to every condition.
Neutral counseling office.
Two professionals present.
No gifts.
No photographs.
No physical contact unless Maisie initiated.
Forty-five minutes.
I would wait in another room.
The night before, I nearly told Maisie to cancel.
Instead I asked:
“Do you want breakfast?”
She looked up from her phone.
“That’s your coping strategy?”
“Apparently.”
“Pancakes.”
“Your mother burned them.”
“I know.”
The next afternoon, Corinne arrived first.
I saw her through one-way privacy glass only because the counselor asked whether I wanted to confirm she was there.
Gray hair at the temples.
Plain blue blouse.
Hands clasped.
No drama.
Maisie stood beside me.
“That’s her.”
“Yes.”
“You okay?”
“No.”
“Me neither.”
I looked at my daughter.
“We can leave.”
She shook her head.
“No.”
May you like
Then she opened the door.
And walked in alone.
